Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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