Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
