There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
