Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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