Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
