what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
