Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
