Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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