If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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