I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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