it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
