Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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