i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
