News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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