He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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