Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
