yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize