So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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