Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
