I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
