Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
