That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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