why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
