Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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