why didn't you poke me back
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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