Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
