I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
