Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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