Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize