Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
