Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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