i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We are all done wearing pants today
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
