It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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