i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
