my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
why do cheetos always look like penises
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize