i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
