Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
