Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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