you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
