so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
