on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize