Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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