Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
