I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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