At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
