Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I would fuck him just for his dog
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
