my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
