omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
