i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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