Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
