I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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