please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
