now i know why i became what i already was.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
