i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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