Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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