Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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