so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize