Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
