I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
