why do cheetos always look like penises
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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