I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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